@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas ME: k [Christmas morning] WIFE: um PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles* ME: you should open that one first

@_davidlucas_: If your human doesn't feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up. ~Cats, apparently.

@G_Faylor: [blind date] HER: I'm a first-grade teacher. ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*

@Tormny_Pickeals: if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? "lol im OWNING all these bees" i say as i put my face in the beehive

@2tonbug: "Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table