@RachelNoise
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
@ArfMeasures
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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@RachelNoise
@prufrockluvsong
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
@evilbart24
Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them
@JermHimselfish
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
@georgiaelander
The word omelette implies the existence of another, bigger, ome
@UncleDuke1969
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
@dafloydsta
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
@beefman138
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
@CulturedRuffian
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
@SmithWit
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”