@ArfMeasures

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

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@AndrewNadeau0

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

@AbbieEvansXO

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@WhatevaConc

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

@OmeoMusic

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

@michaeldean0116

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….