@ArfMeasures

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

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@pizzajaynow

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

@CDMEclairs

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

@evan_breen

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

@Phook75

FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying “fortnight” they have to become your butler.

@brownbear952

I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

@TheHyyyype

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick