[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.