@pizzajaynow I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
@ArfMeasures [After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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@pizzajaynow 
@CDMEclairs Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
@BigFatNothing (in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
@bazecraze Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
@realHamOnWry Not to brag, but my car now gets 3 months per gallon.
@evan_breen roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
@Phook75 FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying “fortnight” they have to become your butler.
@brownbear952 I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
@bngzyface Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.
@TheHyyyype vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick