@ArfMeasures

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

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@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

@evilbart24

Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them

@JermHimselfish

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

@beefman138

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

@CulturedRuffian

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

@SmithWit

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”