[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”


WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell


Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it


deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.


The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?


I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name


If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….