[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.


Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them


Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.


Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.


INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.


I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.


Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.


May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”