If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little