*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack