@wolfmannjr

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

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@AmishPornStar1

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

@Havish_AF

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

@histwaddle

People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.

@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

@KalvinMacleod

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

@markydoodoo

[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.

@behindyourback

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

@huntigula

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape