*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

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*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?


Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.


People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.


If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.


If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.


[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.


*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?


if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape