{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?


Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:


That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.


Wanna talk about Sodium?

Nitric Oxide?

Oxygen Magnesium Phosphorus Iodine Sulfur or Fluorine?



Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”


[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”



Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions


8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*


Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?