{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.