@AmericanGent69

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

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@dougbies

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

@mxmclain

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@TheFunnyWorId

Wanna talk about Sodium?
Na

Nitric Oxide?
NO

Oxygen Magnesium Phosphorus Iodine Sulfur or Fluorine?
OMg PISS OFF

…Potassium?
K

@stephenjmolloy

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

@daemonic3

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

@LackOfShame

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

@mommajessiec

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

@hazelmotes1

Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?