I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
☺️
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
These are too funny not to post 😂
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”