After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Bringing home a sharpie
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!