[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
i’m sure it’s fine
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.