Turns out my top three hobbies are:
3) non-essential businesses
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse
“You mean Centaur, right?”
Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something