My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
My dentist: what?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.