@KentWGraham

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

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@RickAaron

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

@a_simpl_man

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

@wildethingy

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

@EliseRose5

Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@mela_shea

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

@briangaar

Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I’m going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.

@AimeeHelene1

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.