@KentWGraham

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

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@nattygeeee

Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses

@Steelers1972

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@theewren

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

@economybacon

Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh

@meatballwizard

If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.

@nyquills

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something