@cravin4

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”

Now what do I do?

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@sonictyrant

[invention of the milkshake]

drunk farmer: hey! let’s milk the cows on a rollercoaster

@scorpicpanda

Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”

12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”

Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”

@Honda_954

Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.

@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

@WickedRapunzel

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

@JermHimselfish

I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

@Darlainky

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

@CrockettForReal

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?