After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
You Might Also Like
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
never ask a starfish for directions
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity