After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
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Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it