@Home_Halfway

After 25 years, 2018 is finally ending.

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@Jonesy_donkey

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@_SingleBabyMama

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

@shadygrenade

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

@Sickayduh

Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available

@SuburbanSleuth

I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@Proxic0n

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?