My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
After 25 years, 2018 is finally ending.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Hey, guy who named the mustache
Hair lip was available
I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.
Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.
But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?