The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”