After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.