After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
what’s more important?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”