After 35, your body ages in dog years
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.