*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
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[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.