@Midgetspar

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

You Might Also Like

@NouRahif

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

@Dustinkcouch

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

@Chumpstring

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@_davidlucas_

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

@weinerdog4life

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

@OmgMeDamnit

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

@LoriLuvsShoes

My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

@CodyJP9412

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.