After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
need him
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband