After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.


If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.


COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search


People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.


If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.


I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.


Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.


My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.


I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.