After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
*weighs self after shaving
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.