*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Print is alive and well!!!
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.