After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.