After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.