After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.