This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
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Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.
-me as a therapist
My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you