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@ExtraGrumpyCat

This year I’m going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.

@Marlebean

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

@dreamthievin

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist

@librarianfonz

My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.

@2Saddington

Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them

@ceejoyner

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you