Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I need a headline like this
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔