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@Marcmywords2

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

@Stellacopter

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

@mzyvonne7

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

@MarlaCaceres

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

@SirEviscerate

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

@davidkenny100

Gwen Stefani:
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means…

Cut to kid opening lunch box

@Angibangie

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

@brennadine

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!