[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
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*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.