[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
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another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Life cycle of cat
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately