After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m listening
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?