After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
i love modern commerce
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off