After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today