After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.