[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Good advice.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’m giving up ice.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂