[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
three things we don’t talk about
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok