@TweetsByKaylee

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

@AndrewNadeau0

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

@causticbob

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@JaySuch

My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.

@FlyJ_

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.