[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

You Might Also Like


Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

Siri what is a grape nut


If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.


I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.


The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.


My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.


I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.