[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.