Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
You Might Also Like
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Me: it should be called a threek
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*sliced bread was invented in 1928*
*sandwiches before 1928*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.