@KentWGraham

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

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@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

@Darlainky

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

@DothTheDoth

Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

@MarlonBrandNO

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

@heyevergreen

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

@dreamthievin

No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.