(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
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“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.