@PleaseBeGneiss

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

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@HatfieldAnne

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

@Cycloptomese

Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.

@brittwastaken

Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.

@imdaintyaf

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

@markydoodoo

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.