[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.


Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.


Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.


Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.


[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?


Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.


[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.


Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.