[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
How it started: How it’s going:
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…