[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”