After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, “you’ll need your receipt.” I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life…

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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.


The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.


I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me


Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.


Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.


Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.


Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.


Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.


a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself