@ClaytonSykes

After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, “you’ll need your receipt.” I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life…

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@tastefactory

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

@JasonLastname

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

@laurenmacdonald

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@TheWeirdWorld

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

@John_M15

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

@dog_feelings

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself