@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

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@AristotlesNZ

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@Sassafrantz

I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.

@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

@FU_TangClan

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today