@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

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@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@apok842

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

@jwoodham

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

@slimmy_shady

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

@putyoursisterd1

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

@TweetPotato314

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

@JohnLyonTweets

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.