After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today