After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
i actually laughed 😩
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy