After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
The dark side of Canada
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Can. I. Help. You.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Social Media and Real life
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.