[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
me when the borders lift
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
this is uni