[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”