After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]