@cheeky__gal

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

@StevenAndrais

Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*

@UnFitz

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

@iGreenGod

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

@TheMichaelRock

Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

@sistersleaze

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

@Kryzazy

My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.

@jwoodham

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.

@Mr_Kapowski

You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did