After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.


Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*


“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.


I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap


Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?


All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.


the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.


My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.


Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.


You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did