[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
When ur friends with white people
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.