[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven