After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
We need to put an American base on the sun
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels