@FrazzleMyGimp

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

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@House_Feminist

[at the library checking out a book]

[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]

[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

@Sheila_Mac420

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

@barryjohnharper

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@Book_Krazy

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

@daemonic3

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

@ArfMeasures

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

@Jake_Vig

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff