[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You Might Also Like
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
*bites zombie*
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.