{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Dumplings,
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?