Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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If you’re behind someone at an ATM, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: You should get tested.
Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.