@Marlebean

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

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@CulturedRuffian

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

@bellicosejason

If you’re behind someone at an ATM, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

@ValeeGrrl

Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

@MUMSIEesq

[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?

@MattchooFitz

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@batkaren

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

@usermcuserface

Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

@Its_Kene

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

@Cheeseboy22

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.